February 22, 2005
Qwx: Possible explanations for my bank's impolite behavior this month.
- Psychological research has shown that honest people deposit their mid-February paychecks at the main branch ATM, while criminals deposit paychecks at affiliated ATMs in outlying locations, and my bank has a policy of indefinitely holding all funds deposited by criminals.
- I have previously been so consistent with my main-branch-ATM-using habits that my use of the ATM downtown instead triggered fears that I might be an identity thief making the single, revealing, false step that would give away the fact that it wasn't really me. Clearly, this necessitated holding my funds while the investigation was underway.
- If I had been single on Valentine's Day, I might have taken that money from my paycheck and blown it all on hookers and strip clubs, thus ruining my plans to save for college, therefore it was necessary for the bank to hold my funds to make sure I didn't endanger my great plans for my continued education.
- If I'd been prevented from having a Valentine's Day full of expensive debauchery, I might have saved up my debaucherous intentions for Presidents' Day weekend, therefore it was also necessary to continue holding my funds through the next weekend, still in my best financial interests.
- Either of the two foregoing scenarios, if allowed to debauch as planned, could have resulted in serious health consequences if I'd engaged in unprotected sex with the aforementioned hookers. Serious health consequences are expensive, and my bank prides itself on helping me save my money in every way possible.
- The closure of the main branch ATM on my payday was not, unfortunately, due to a malfunction or a shortage of $20 bills, but was actually the only visible sign that my bank had been taken over by an alien consortium hell-bent on dominance over the human species. I didn't catch on in time, and now the tentacley bastards are in charge of my finances.
- Sheer caprice.
- The bank manager overheard me making plans to go to Gottsi over the weekend, and resolved not to let any funds deposited in his financial institution be used for any kind of appalling mutilation like that, thank you very much, she'll thank us when she's 40, you mark my words.
- My bank actually does, for some reason, have a policy of holding all funds for one day if deposited at the main branch ATM and for one week (not an hour less) if deposited at any other ATM.
Jeeez. If I promise not to use it for sex, piercings, or anti-alien-consortium defense systems, can I please have my money in time to pay my rent?
Posted by dianna at February 22, 2005 08:02 PM
but if you're not going to use it for sex or piercings, do you reeeeally want it anyway? (the anti-alien-consortium defense systems i don't know about. at least not that i'm telling.)
I do, and here's why. Having it will enable me to impulsively attend shows at completely inappropriate times on weeknights, which run so late that I can't actually stay for the headliners but manage in the process to discover what is possibly the most bizarre and fantastically over-the-top musical act since Murder By Death. Further, if I have money, I can in fact buy an album of this infectious insanity, which you have absolutely got to fucking hear.
So you see, it's essential.