I tried to watch the Chronic(what)cles of Narnia movie last night, but wound up turning it off before the end. I'm now arguing with myself about whether I can stand to finish watching it tonight. I can, as I explained last night to Katie, set aside my general annoyance about the imposition of heavy-handed Christian allegory on the juvenile general public -- how I can do that I don't know, but I probably shouldn't think too hard about it in case it stops working. I can set aside my annoyance at the addition of corny Hollywoody bullshit that wasn't in the original story, like pointless high-suspense escape scenes and characters whose dialogue is supposed to be funny but just winds up being anachronistic and interrupting even my embarrassingly eager suspension of disbelief.
The thing that made me shut off the movie last night, and is still making me hesitate to finish watching, is not those. It's the fact that Aslan is voiced by Liam Neeson. Don't get me wrong; I like Liam Neeson, and Aslan can totally be a melodious, gracefully-aging Irishman. I'm really okay with that. But I just fucking watched Batman Begins, and I can't handle the sudden shift from sinister to beneficent in the same incredibly distinctive voice. It's exacerbated by the fact that, and this is inherent in the story and really can't be helped by the best efforts of the poor special-effects people drafted to make talking animals as uncheesy as they could manage, the animation of Aslan's face is just kind of embarrassing. I feel bad for the animators, so I look away, and then I get the voice without the visuals and I'm thinking, ack, danger, get away get away avoid the guys in black at all costs!
And they made the excellent call not to cast Cate Blanchett as the White Witch, because even though she'd be totally great everyone would be thinking of Queen Elizabeth. Or Galadriel. Or both. It's kind of like how as soon as Hugo Weaving walked onscreen in the Lord of the Rings, everyone in every theater thought, "Missster Anderrson" at the same time. So they cast Tilda Swinton, who is more Cate Blanchetty than Cate Blanchett and totally awesome and scary, but there's the matter of my high school English teacher who made us watch the movie version of Orlando in which Tilda Swinton plays Lord Orlando and Lady Orlando, and so she perpetually reminds me of a) how much I didn't enjoy that book and b) how everyone in my class loved the movie but only because of the scene where Orlando as a guy is kissing some girl and we were all 14 and going "omg omg girls kissing each other and we get to watch this in class you have got to be kidding me".
While busily arguing with myself about all of these totally inadequate reasons for not watching the last 40 minutes of the movie, I discovered that the internet can, if I pay it, provide me with a squishy spherical rooster. Or a spherical shark, or a spherical duck, though not a spherical cat. I desperately want one and see no good reason I shouldn't get myself one, but I am totally unable to pick which one. The giraffe, pig, and sheep, which are my top choices in that order, are all presently unavailable. I think I lean toward the rooster out of the remaining options, and then I look again at the shark and it's just hopeless. That shark is pretty priceless. And the duck! How can I ever choose, when they're all so close to perfect spheres?
Man, my life is difficult. I've got it almost as bad as my sister, who apparently spends her days wandering along the beautiful inspiring California coast and quoting Robert Frost at people. Jesus.Posted by dianna at February 9, 2008 07:51 PM