December 01, 2003

Slingin' liquor is fine, but when all's said and done it doesn't beat a good pie.

I just got home from day one of my two-week intensive course in getting people drunk. Yee fucking ha! Here's the recipe.

  • Take one Dianna.
  • Stick her in a room in a swanky building in San Francisco.
  • Stand her up behind a practice bar surrounded by more simulated alcohol and funny glasses than you can shake an olive on a stick at.
  • Pour in two and a half hours of basic drink recipes to practice (I want to see those bottles tipped all the way up, and don't forget to pour two at a time!).
  • Top with 20 minutes of high-speed drilling on the previous 2.5 hours of drinks (you have a minute to remember what's in a Cosmo and make it-- hint: it's a Very Trendy Cocktail).
  • Garnish with the sudden terrifying realization that you're standing so high above ground level that you're looking at the top of SF/MOMA from above, and stop looking out the windows before you faint.
  • Serve with a flourish.

Three hours into my glamorous liquor-slinging career and I've already covered the most important bases of all: pouring two-fisted with steady ease from bottles with fancy tops, tossing in cocktail straws with one hand while spritzing soda with the other, nonchalantly picking up a full martini glass with two fingers, and the elegant yet casual swoosh that deposits mere drops--no more-- of vermouth onto the sacrificial olive.

I'm grinning from ear to ear. If actual bartending is half as much fun as this class, I'll be in heaven.

Posted by dianna at December 1, 2003 10:56 PM

dood, sweet! your new career plan rocks my world.

Posted by: michele at December 2, 2003 01:19 AM

Go Dianna! I had no idea you were actually going to bartending school. I thought it was a passing fancy!

Congratulations. You are well on your way to giving your friends of lesbianic persuasion an inside conection. Not to mention the fact that my mother would like to hire you for our next family gathering. =)

Posted by: Jolie at December 2, 2003 06:27 AM

Bartending is so cool! I can't believe I'm gonna know a cool bartender. Things are really happening for me--I mean you.

Posted by: jason at December 2, 2003 07:58 AM

wow, dianna. first the tattooed novel, now real bartending school. you're livin' the dream, my friend. the wacky, fun-filled dream, not the one overrun by children and term papers. that's MY dream, thank you very much! heh.

Posted by: erica at December 2, 2003 12:35 PM