October 11, 2004
Not actually the breakfast of champions, but the dinner of Diannas.
Take an onion, and chop off a round,
And some broccoli, a third of a crown.
Then a carrot, chop chop,
And two green onion tops,
Add some tofu, and scarf that shit down.
I mean, you may want to put it all in a frying pan and sautee it for a few minutes at some point, but that's all just details. I've decided that, given my previously-mentioned inability to deal with food-related decisions, I'm going to plan right now to subsist for the winter on the above. I'll keep those five ingredients in the house at all times, and any time I find myself opening the same cupboard more than once without having decided on a meal I will immediately implement the Scrambly Plan. It's easy, it's fast, you can put it in a burrito, and if the act of reaching for the tortillas sends you into a fit of despair you can just grab a spoon and eat it out of the frying pan.
Note to self: tortillas are emotionally draining; invest in a teflon-safe spoon.
Posted by dianna at October 11, 2004 10:28 PM
But complicated. Onions aren't complicated.
...garlic comes in a jar. it's not so complicated.
No jars! Only vegetables!
Look, I'm just the reporter here. I'm committed to giving the world an accurate picture of current events in my kitchen; I'm not responsible for the actions of anyone here described.
Garlic is seriously no more complicated than onions. And you know what's even less complicated? Olive oil.
Ooh, and red bell peppers.
BTW: Garlic does not come in a jar. People put it there and then charge you way more money for it than whole heads of the stuff.
::Please excuse flippant tone::
but babies totally come from cabbage, right?
Good lord, man, what do you take me for? Of course there's olive oil; you can't sautee without it. Well, maybe someone can, but I can't. Bell peppers? I'm still stubbornly waiting for the purple ones in my garden to ripen. And garlic comes in heads full of papery bits that need to be peeled off, and then you have to chop it all finely if you don't want to lose half your taste buds from biting into a whole clove of it (onions, being milder, can be hacked into big chunks and left that way). Or you could use the garlic press, but then you have to wash the mashy garlic bits back out of it. And then there's the part where garlic burns more easily than the other veggies, so you have to add it later and watch it carefully. It defeats the entire purpose of the Scrambly Plan, which is that you use the same steps on everything: rinse, cut into chunks, throw into pan all at once. Stir. Eat.
Babies come from storks. The storks eat them and then regurgitate them for the humans. It's a messy process.
Using a garlic press also stankifies your fingers. I think it's usually still worth it, but the jar is a valid anti-stank option.
i am anti-stank and anti-skank.
Tomatoes? Blasphemy. Tomatoes shouldn't be included in a sautee for any reason. They should be eaten raw like an apple, at least if an apple were squishy and full of explosive pockets of juice and seeds.
No more okra and tomatoes for you, then.
Don't you have science to be doing?
no, because now his laser eye project is complete.
how did the speech go?
Meanwhile in a conference room somewhere, Jacob was wrapping up his most successful speech yet.
"And so, gentlemen, you can see that the diffraction pattern indicates a rigid structure with six hydrogen bonds between these critical molecules on the left here. The result is a protein which can only bind to blah blah blah blah..."
Suddenly, Jacob's ears pricked up. A sixth sense told him that somewhere, for some reason, someone was talking about him. He honed in on the faint sense of being discussed, and tried to identify the source. He used his well-practiced public speaking skills to continue talking smoothly and coherently while straining his senses to figure out what was really going on.
"The most critical part of this structure is the carbon chain right here on the seven... argyle... forensics... Bermuda! Neville Neville Neville, undetermined, porphry. Chamberlain balloon northerly."
The tragedy of not being invited back to give another talk was mitigated by the hearty laugh he shared with the audience after they told him what he'd really been saying. Really, since laughter is the best medicine, his bizarre performance did more good than his research would have done anyway.
so he didn't win the car, is that what you're telling me?
also, why is he only presenting to gentlemen? ladies, represent!
No talk until 6pm. Quite a night for it, too. I'll be sharing time with the Presidential debates and the Yankees/Red Socks games. People tell me the latter is exciting.
I'm toying with an idea for a good method of gauging how the debate goes. We all know that the pundits and corporate news sources will spend lots of time analyzing it, but I'm thinking of something quicker and more succinct. The only things I can't decide are: should I drink when Kerry makes a good, coherent and persuasive point, or should I drink when Bush says "Saddam"? And should Jacob ask me for a recap when he comes home, or just ask me to walk a straight line?
finger to the nose and alphabet backwards.