October 20, 2004

Somebody fucking comment on my story or I'm going to cry!

I stay up an hour past my bedtime to give you guys punny fruit-noir stories and do I get any appreciation? Only from Michele and Jacob. Ungrateful wretches, the rest of you.

In other news, www.thinkinginpictures.net has mysteriously disappeared. Chris, where did you go? Erik? Arianna? Anyone? What's going on around here?

I've decided that I should get myself a fake mustache (so as to appear to be over the age of 35) and run for President. Fucking Hippie Lunatic for President! Vote Woolsey; she'll quadruple everyone's taxes and make college and healthcare free, throw the entire corporate management of McDonald's and Iowa Beef Packers in jail, and pass legislation requiring 90% of all car sales to be low-emissions and 15% of all marriage licenses to be for gay couples. It'll fit on a campaign sticker if we get really big stickers and really small print with tiny margins. Come on, it'll be great. My goal will be to break Dennis Kucinich's records for radical leftist weirdness and minimal votes.

Oh, and it'll be easier to find some damned vegan boots that don't have pointy toes or high heels. Cheaper, too. I'll work on some government subsidies for those.

Posted by dianna at October 20, 2004 02:42 PM

you eat boots?

Posted by: didofoot at October 20, 2004 02:49 PM

Yes, just like the hobos under the Brass Bridge (is it the Brass Bridge?) in Ankh-Morpork.

I mean, I try to wear them too, but they're just so tasty I can't help myself sometimes.

Posted by: Dianna at October 20, 2004 02:55 PM

I will *totally* vote for you as long as I can still eat beef and stuff!

And I also wanted to say that I enjoyed the fruit post tremendously last night. I got very into the metaphor, it was fun.

But I forgot to nod.
Big nod on the fruit. Double nod.

Posted by: kati at October 20, 2004 03:09 PM

Originally I was going to including outlawing meat as part of my campaign platform, but then I modified it to outlawing milk by-products in baked goods, and then decided that throwing McD's and IBP in jail would be good enough.

Thank you for the fruit nod. Eat a persimmon on my behalf and I'll make you my campaign manager.

Posted by: Dianna at October 20, 2004 04:27 PM

I'm back, but thanks for the concern. It made me feel loved.

Posted by: Chris at October 20, 2004 05:02 PM

I loved the story! "Dingy endive bar" was pure genius, because it could slip right by without anyone noticing. But I noticed, and I appreciated it too.

Posted by: Arianna at October 20, 2004 07:53 PM

You had me up to where you put the meat packers in jail - I'm sorry but it is hard enough living with In and Out Burgers here on the east coast. I miss my Double-Double with Grilled Onions - it is a must have when I get to California. They just don't make burgers like that on the East Coast.

As for the bumper sticker - if you make it too small we will have a lot of rear-end accidents with people trying to get real close in their cars to read it. Of course, the free health care may help the resulting injury.

Posted by: Pete at October 21, 2004 05:31 AM

Pffft, another candidate for the executive running on a legislative platform. I mean, if you're a total slave to the military-industrial complex, or to other corporations and lobbying groups, that's fine. The Prez and Congress will totally be on the same page. But I think a radical third-party candidate running on the assumption that Congress isn't going to laugh in their face is something of a stretch.

The better campaign would be to fully endorse BushCo's doctrine of preemptive war, cozy up to the M/I C., and then once in office, bomb the living crap out of all the multinational corporations you don't like, citing "financing of terroristic carcinogens" and "providing Big Macs and comfort to the enemy."

Then you can "temporarily occupy" all the private land you've bombed and set up wind turbines and solar panel arrays. Well actually, you'll give out no-bid contracts to friendly corporations to build them, thus stimulating the economy.

And what the hell is this about raising taxes? You're not going to raise taxes, you're going to lower them. For whom, well... let's keep that quiet for now.

I will totally be your speechwriter.

Posted by: poot at October 21, 2004 05:48 AM

I read and loved your story, but decided that if any of the network spooks at work got ahold of the packets containing its text, they would probably start asking questions; more-so were I to respond. Though the puns would slip through the awkward, inarticulate fingers of their Mind, the proximity of words like 'stockings', 'flush', and 'belt' would probably awaken the dormant network daemons. And then they would request my presence before The Tribunal and they would ask questions and I have a lot of questions that I would not like to answer and then *poof* no more Erik, with a lot of people unable to recall anything about me.

Of course, I still keep checking your blog. Damn the man, I guess. Damn me.

Posted by: Erik at October 21, 2004 07:31 AM

Mega-comment time!

Chris: Oh, good. Glad to hear it. Who runs Properhosting anyway, Jesus?

Arianna: That was the single thing I was most sad about nobody commenting on! I was laughing so hard over the endive bar that I could barely type! Now I can breathe a sigh of relief that someone noticed.

Pete, I'm sorry, but I'm not budging on my jailing of meatpackers. I would, however, be willing to pour my limited resources into the invention of one-way window decals to solve the problem of people craning their necks at the small print. Clear sticker, text shows up as solid color from the outside of the car but is completely transparent from inside for safety purposes. An entire rear window is big enough for my message, I think. Alternately, I could make enormous stickers and plaster them all over buses and trains, since my small handful of likely voters probably take public transit anyway.

Poot, no speechwriting for you until you get the party line straight. Repeat after me: "We will tax the living fuck out of all y'all. The Woolsey party promises not to reduce taxes for the middle class or anyone else." I do like the bit about providing comfort and Big Macs to the enemy, though.

Erik: You have network daemons? No wonder you were so freaked out by that ghoul story. You spend all night working in an empty campus full of demons! ...Also, you're lucky I didn't elaborate on the supple roundness of the peach. You'd have been hauled in front of the Pr0n At Work Tribunal before you could say "lickety clit".... er, I mean, lickety split.

Posted by: Dianna at October 21, 2004 12:00 PM

Well, if the actual post didn't summon the daemons, I'm almost positive that your comment will. I will sit in my chair and await judgment.

Posted by: Erik at October 21, 2004 01:56 PM

Well, maybe they'll let you keep the chair, at least. Good luck with the inquest.

Posted by: Dianna at October 21, 2004 02:10 PM

As I am still able to post, I must have escaped the wrath of the daemonic horde (note to self: next time I need to code up a daemon process for anything, call it Horde). Either that, or I endured several hours of brutal torture that was later erased from my memory. I DID return home rather later than expected...

Posted by: Erik at October 21, 2004 05:19 PM

just so we're clear though, i thought the endive thing was hilarious. don't take sushi comments to heart.

Posted by: michele at October 21, 2004 10:36 PM