October 28, 2004

Qwx: "Needless to say, they planned to spend another night of heat and fire."

The above was snatched without mercy from the loving arms of the novel being read by the woman sitting next to me on BART this evening. I carefully memorized it before she turned the page, figuring that if I ever find myself asked to write a cautionary volume for would-be writers of sex scenes in popular fiction I'll at least have one thing to say.

Okay, maybe two things. One, a night of heat and fire is what you get when your radiator explodes at 2 a.m. and you have to evacuate your entire family down three flights of stairs because, you know, they say not to use the elevator if there's fire in the building, the bastards. What do they know about trying to get 3 kids down the stairs with their shoes untied, I'd like to know. Probably all live in their own houses with no stairs and no 80-year-old heaters anyway, 'cause they made so much money telling people how to trip over their shoelaces and then the kids start crying and don't want to walk at all and you have to carry them down the stairs but you've got your own shoelaces untied too and you just know you'll go sprawling as soon as you miss a step, and anyway they write that kind of instructions and get paid so much money they never have to live in an apartment again. I swear. Don't give me this "night of heat and fire" crap. Just say they're going to fuck like bunny rabbits and she's probably going to get her ass spanked cherry red by the time he's done with her, all right? Secondly, avoid stock phrases like "needless to say"; overusing them can make your writing seem cliched. Try to give each sentence its own personality.

I was planning to spend, not a night of heat and fire, but an hour or two riding the bus down to the craft store and browsing around for things that could be worn to good silly effect tomorrow. It's a good cause. I like silly effect. Somehow, though, I can't seem to bring myself to go out in the increasingly dark and increasingly freezing freezing darkness. It's full of late buses and terrifying and/or unterrifying people, and brisk half-miles between bus stops and destinations which may or may not have anything appealing. I don't want any of those things. I want hot chocolate and cats and Death Cab for Cutie. I want to sit around under an afghan because, damnit, I'm cold.

A new plan, then. I'll bring my chaotically multicolored patch afghan to work tomorrow and huddle under it at my desk while I answer the phone and fill out shipping forms. If anyone asks me if that's a costume I'm wearing, I'll nod. So, they'll ask, what are you?

I'm cold!

Posted by dianna at October 28, 2004 07:02 PM


I was thinking hemorrhoid medication commercial, but your exploding radiator scenario was infinitely more charming.

I don't think that I'm even going to touch the cherry red ass. Um. I don't think that came across exactly as anticipated.

Posted by: Erik at October 28, 2004 09:03 PM

Well, somebody's got to touch it. How else is it supposed to get cherry red?

Posted by: Dianna at October 28, 2004 10:36 PM

maybe you should write erik a manual on how to make it cherry red? and no cheating with fire engine lipstick.

i draw tic tac toe. x in middle top square.

Posted by: michele at October 28, 2004 10:56 PM

such a manual would be more likely to make my face cherry red than any asses. and if it's already cherry red, i think that there has probably been quite enough touching for one night.

::imagines a fire engine with big, flaming red lips, and eye shadow around its windows:: *smirk*

o in the bottom-right.

Posted by: Erik at October 29, 2004 07:20 AM

naughtiness wuss.

x in middle left.

Posted by: michele at October 29, 2004 08:14 AM

whoa, michele won.

Posted by: didofoot at October 29, 2004 08:29 AM

dood, don't lie about my game of spanking red lipstick on the ass tic tac toe. (though i appreciate your support.)

Posted by: michele at October 29, 2004 08:31 AM

oh, you're right. it could draw.

Posted by: didofoot at October 29, 2004 08:37 AM

o top-left. draw, i think...unless you wanna let me win ;-)

naughtiness wuss? naughtiness wuss?? harumph. I'll accept many varieties of wussiness appellations, but not naughtiness.

Posted by: Erik at October 29, 2004 09:08 AM

are you kidding? i win.

x smack dab in the middle, baby.

Posted by: michele at October 29, 2004 09:15 AM

wait, doesn't michele win that way? x dead center, and then whichever way o goes she has an option.

Posted by: didofoot at October 29, 2004 09:16 AM

Yep, Kris is right. Michele, 1, Erik, 0.

I think you guys should make things more complicated now. Play text-based Connect Four! C'mon!

Posted by: Dianna at October 29, 2004 09:28 AM

let's play text-based freeze tag!
you are all frozen.

Posted by: didofoot at October 29, 2004 10:06 AM

damn it. i fucking hate tic-tac-toe...anyone up for an epee bout? ;-) Seriously though, I was amazed when I heard that people could play whole chess games without a board...apparently I can't even keep track of a tic-tac-toe game. (And you're all paying taxes that pay ME to launch shiznit into space...comforting, no?)

Oh wait, am I allowed to talk if I'm frozen? bugger.

Posted by: Erik at October 29, 2004 11:16 AM

you can have a consolation spanking, if you like.

Posted by: michele at October 29, 2004 11:26 AM

what do you launch into space? cats?

Posted by: didofoot at October 29, 2004 11:44 AM

Cesium atoms. 61 of them per minute.

Posted by: Dianna at October 29, 2004 11:59 AM

michele - [in my best Castle Anthrax voice, which is admittedly not very good] A spanking! A spanking!

didofoot - I launch shiznit into space...or would if the projects that I work on didn't keep getting canned (which has nothing to do with the fact that I work on them...I hope...). Most recently, a satellite to take 3-D pictures of clouds and an atomic clock.

Dianna - :-P

Posted by: Erik at October 29, 2004 12:30 PM


To be followed by CloudFidgeted, CloudStood, CloudWanderedOffSomewhere, and then, hopefully, CloudWasPersuadedToSitDownAgain.

Posted by: Dianna at October 29, 2004 12:37 PM

is cloud a toddler?

Posted by: didofoot at October 29, 2004 12:43 PM

Yes, in an elephant suit.

Posted by: Dianna at October 29, 2004 03:41 PM

What about CloudACT, CloudLSAT, CloudMCAT, and CloudGRE?

Posted by: Erik at October 30, 2004 06:12 PM

You people are dirty...

Posted by: Aleko at January 11, 2005 04:26 PM