December 06, 2004

Good professional relationships are essential.

I know I've scoffed before at the falsity and excess of the corporate holiday season. People send out extravagant overpriced gift baskets to other people who are already up to their eyeballs in chocolates and Dijon mustard, and half of it goes to shooting the hell out of people's regular nutrition while the other half goes bad and gets thrown away. I've probably sworn up and down that people only send out these things during the holiday season because of a combination of guilt and one-upmanship (what if they send something and we don't? We might look bad!) and inability to resist advertising (Godiva says it's the season for giving $35 truffles, and who are we to say otherwise?) and it's all quite unnecessary and irritating.

While that's all undeniably true, you won't hear me saying it for a while. Not because I've become a sucker for it myself -- no, no, perish the thought -- but because my mouth is too full of spiced toffee peanuts and jelly beans to speak out very clearly. Our printing company brought us a stuffed-to-bursting treat basket today, as a polite and heartfelt way of saying, "Shit, man, you've given us $100,000 of business this year. Don't you guys ever stop?"

Posted by dianna at December 6, 2004 02:15 PM

shouldn't the title of this be "we want nuts"?

Posted by: didofoot at December 6, 2004 02:46 PM

Yes. Or "We've got nuts".

Posted by: Dianna at December 6, 2004 03:17 PM

Or just "I'm a sucker for nuts in my mouth".

We're all still in seventh grade.

Posted by: sean at December 6, 2004 03:27 PM

well, cause the last one was "we want caulk." see?

Posted by: didofoot at December 6, 2004 03:37 PM

Right, because, see, you pronounce "aul" like "o" and then it sounds JUST like...


Posted by: Dianna at December 6, 2004 03:38 PM

don't jelly beans have horse feet in them?

Posted by: michele at December 6, 2004 04:00 PM

Dammit Butt-head, we're never gonna score!

Posted by: Beavis at December 6, 2004 04:01 PM

Some jelly beans do. Jelly Bellys don't! Hooray!

I'm still waiting for someone to comment on the fact that I signed up to bring Rice Krispie Treats to the office holiday potluck. It's no fun going to great lengths to veganize something inherently unvegan if nobody even realizes you're doing it. I bake to impress, damn it.

Posted by: Dianna at December 6, 2004 04:21 PM

Well I'm curious. What's unvegan about Rice Krispie squares? Is it the marshmallows? Did you know that marshmallow was originally made from the mucilaginous root of Althaea officinalis, a shrubby herb found in the moist, sandy soils of salt marshes? Did you flood the back yard with salt water and grow a marshmallow crop so that you could bring vegan Rice Krispie squares to your office party? That would be cool.

Posted by: Andrew at December 6, 2004 05:59 PM

Mucilaginous? You just used the word mucilaginous?


It is indeed the marshmallows, which have gelatin in them. There are vegan marshmallows, but they're obscenely expensive and not what my recipe calls for. Rather, I concoct a mixture of corn syrup and a buttery substitute and I forget now what else, which is delightfully sticky and gooey and gnomp-gnomp-gnomp. Gnomp.

I'll flood the backyard with salt water for the Labor Day picnic, though. I promise.

Posted by: Dianna at December 6, 2004 06:16 PM

I've definitely used the word mucilaginous before. It very accurately describes the innermost layer of bark of Ulmus rubra or Slippery Elm (named for said mucilage).

Posted by: Chris at December 6, 2004 07:42 PM

Despite the fact that I can use the word "mucilaginous," it appears that I cannot use a goddamn comma.

Posted by: Chris at December 7, 2004 01:59 AM