Snoqualmie

Casein is also in Smart Balance, which prevents it from being the vegan butter substitute I initially thought it to be upon purchase. You have to get Earth Balance instead, and to do that, you have to go somewhere besides the mega-Safeway in my neighborhood.

Keeping that in non-dariy creamer seems a little bit like putting ivory buttons on an imitation leather coat.

Also, if you buy Smart Balance and use it in anything where it has to melt, your house starts to smell really strongly like artificial butter flavor. That could be a benefit if you wanted to open a movie theater in your living room, although if you're opening a movie theater I think you should use Earth Balance so I can have your popcorn. If you serve it buttered and salted with ice-cold chocolate chips mixed in, I'll be a weekly customer.

By buttered, of course, I mean Earth Balanced. As the theater owner, you also have to be able to read my mind.

Popcorn with chocolate chips?

The first brand of non-dairy creamer I encountered labelled itself an "edible oil product". I guess that's accentuating the positive, maybe they were worried that people wouldn't want to eat a NON-food. I was very disappointed when I found out (several years later) that "edible oil" means "palm kernel oil", not some exotic alchemical distillation of crude oil. Petroleum, lubricants, plastics, and dairy substitutes... is there anything the black gold isn't good for?

A slightly off topic question: Would a Venus Flytrap sandwich be vegan? Assuming it was made with Earth Balance buttered bread, of course.

another vegan question for you: are all chocolate chips vegan, or do you need a certain brand? obviously, excluding milk chocolate chips.

Well, the ideal situation is actually popcorn with M&Ms, but I've yet to find a vegan M&M-type candy. Chocolate chips substitute well in a pinch. The popcorn has to be really, really buttery and salty, though, and the chocolate chips have to be tossed in so that they get coated with salty butter. Oh heaven.

*snort* A Venus Flytrap sandwich? First of all, I'd probably put hummus on it instead of a butter substitute. Second, I'm scared of eating anything that could probably digest me from inside out. Third, screw the dead flies in it, I'm worried about the bit where I stand around with the sandwich in my hand (wondering if it's okay to eat, of course) and it up and eats my fingers. I'm not touching that!

I will, however, touch chocolate chips. Yum. Not all brands are vegan; I think Ghirardelli chips, for instance, have milk powder or whey in them. Guittard chips are vegan, Safeway has a fancy-silver-package store variety that's vegan (and really goddamn tasty), and then there are the super-fancy fruit-sweetened hippie-ass made-on-dairy-free-equipment kinds, but with those you run the risk of getting carob by accident. Ech.

popcorn with junior mints in it is deelicioso, but junior mints have gelatin and that equals horse hooves. it's a goddamn internal crisis every time i go to the theater.

i don't suppose there's any chance in hell that reese's pieces are vegan. because those would be so good in the buttery salty popcorn thing.

or we could just all eat vegan donuts until we barf. i'm eating the cinnamon one right now. sooooo good.

Junior Mints. Reese's Pieces. Guys, stop it. I'm drooling on myself.

Reese's Pieces have milk in them, which doesn't surprise me because most peanut butter chips (hell, all peanut butter chips I've been able to find) have milk in them. Peanuts do not come from cows. There is no logic in this.

peanuts are loved by monkeys and elephants. they both have big ears. mice also have big ears. mice love cheese. cheese comes from milk.

peanut butter = milk. i should have seen the connection before.

YOU are loved by monkeys and elephants!

listen, chimpypants, there's no call for that sort of thing.

ooh, wait, i just figured out the junior mints problem too.

gelatin is made from horse hooves. when i was a junior girl scout, i went to camp lakota. there were horses (hooves included). i also sold thin mints.

junior+mints=horse hooves.

Senorita Chimpita, are you sure you went to Camp Lakota in junior girl scouts? Were you even a junior girl scout? I thought you dropped out before that.

Speaking of Camp Lakota, I've been kicking myself for a couple of years for not keeping all my bright yellow shirts that said Camp Lakota 1986 and 1987 and so on. The ironic hipster t-shirt possibilities I'm missing out on here! Sheesh!

chimpy mcchimperson, i was indeed a junior girl scout. where else would i have gotten all those badges for essential survival skills like playing othello and having a sock hop? i think i was even a cadet for a few weeks, until i realized that was it was, was bunk.

yeah, i wish i still had the pink glittery girl scout t-shirt i used to wear all the time until i became embarassed by it. i would rock that thing now.

pardon the unintended gertrude stein effect in that last comment. sentence should read: i realized that what it was, was kind of hooey.

It's so sad that you have to go through embarrassed before you get to delighted. It's also so sad that you occasionally take leave of your senses and think things like, "I'll never wear my grandmother's golf t-shirt, because lord knows I hate really soft shirts with really big collars, so I think I'll freepile it." God. Dumb. At least I had the sense to keep the shirt with the animals in ties, though. Did you know it still fits me?

for a given value of "fits"...

there's about eight inches between it and your pants, right?

Indubitably. I think it shows more of my stomach than my short skirts show of my legs. But, significantly, it's still loose in the width. This is because I've chosen to grow exclusively in the vertical direction and specifically eschew the creation of breasts. What? Yes, of course it's a conscious decision. What a ridiculous question.