December 03, 2004

Qwx: We want cock.

"We want caulk," said the owner, poring over a drawing with two of the architects. "They just want to have this butt right up against here, but we want caulk."
"Yeah, definitely caulk."
"We're okay with that?"
"Yeah, I feel fine about it. This screw is better than that other one. It'll work with caulk."

Architecture, like everything else, is more fun when you're immature about it. You should have seen me the day I had to copy notes about erection aids.

Posted by dianna at December 3, 2004 01:51 PM

Years ago, some friends and I decided it would be a good idea to build a boat in the basement. (I have referred to this project in the past as the Bad Idea That Made My Roommates Hate Me). Anyway, our basic idea was that we could slap it together in a haphazard way out of plywood and nails, and as long as we used enough caulk, all the leaks and joints would be sealed and the thing would float. (This proved to be incorrect, but that is another story altogether). I spent a lot of time in that basement squirting caulk. The caulk jokes soon became epic; some days, we spent more time talking about caulk than actually doing any caulking.

Months later, I got railroaded into running a student newspaper. I recruited a couple of my caulk buddies from the boat incident to be assistant editors, and for a glorious year we libelled our way across campus. We all wanted to pull out the caulk jokes right away, but we knew the dangers of overapplying caulk, so we bided our time.

Finally, in the penultimate issue of the year, the caulk was released. A full-page ad, mimicking the "Got Milk?" ads, except, of course, the question was "Got Caulk?". One of our friends modelled with a caulk gun and a suspicious white moustache. I forget how the ad copy went, but it extolled the virtues of caulk, proclaimed that caulk solved all problems, that everybody needed caulk, etc. etc. We had been restraining ourselves all year, and once we got started it was difficult to stop.

Everybody seemed to enjoy what we had to say about caulk. Except the university's human rights committee, which initiated an investigation. I didn't find out about it until months later; apparently giving the subjects of an investigation the opportunity to respond to charges or defend themselves is a quaint anachronism. Luckily, they decided that our proclamation of the glories of caulk was "puerile, but not discriminatory". What a relief!

Oh, and the parents of the student whose face was plastered with caulk then plastered across campus also reacted strongly. They loved it! They cut the ad out of the paper and put it up on the refrigerator.

That's my caulk story, and I'm sticking to it.

Posted by: Andrew at December 3, 2004 05:17 PM

Why in the goddamn hell would caulk jokes be considered discriminatory? Weirdos.

I'm glad the student's parents were just as puerile as you (and, clearly, I). Did you run a second ad proclaiming that parents love caulk too?

Posted by: Dianna at December 3, 2004 06:02 PM

I had an idea for an additional ad title, but it was so abhorrent that I couldn't bring myself to post it. Somehow, mixing parents, kids, and caulk seems to cross a line or two.

Posted by: Erik at December 3, 2004 06:13 PM

The combined might of its title and Google will make this the most-visited page on Cementhorizon.

This post has incredible subliminal power. I just proofread my comment and found that "the combined power of tits and Google will make this...."

Posted by: Jacob at December 3, 2004 09:23 PM

Speaking of college pranks, we planned some juvenile greatness during my senior (?) year. I'm probably idealizing this plan in my mind, so those who were involved should correct me on any details I get wrong.

Anyway, as class elections rolled around, one brilliant frat-related Pres/VP team mounted a poster campaign whose pinnacle was a giant banner with the logo


Because these guys were geniuses, each letter was printed out so that it filled an entire page, which was flimsily affixed to the banner with tape. A little Scrabble-action gave us


Sadly, the banner was torn down in the middle of the week by a random do-gooder who was offended by it. We salvaged it from the trash and some friends hung the modified version in their house. But it never lived up to the imagined public spectacle of two guys running for office on promise of Chimp Penis for every student.

Posted by: Jacob at December 3, 2004 09:37 PM