Dear Ms. Woolsey,
We have noticed that you are leaving your job and going back to school in a few days. This is undoubtedly an exciting time for you and we understand that you are feeling happy and relieved at this point. We'd just like to take a few moments to speak to you about some issues that are particularly important right now.
First of all, we've noticed that you're generally fairly physically comfortable. We'll be lowering the exterior temperature in the Bay Area and importing some freezing cold wind. Your constant shivering and the mysterious bloody cracks appearing in the skin of your hands will undoubtedly have a positive effect on your health as well as your character.
Second, we understand that you're looking forward to experiencing less social interaction after leaving your current position. To address this we've brought in your replacement, who will need to be trained via several days of continuous verbal explanation. Some hoarseness and mental exhaustion on your part should be expected.
Also in regard to social interaction, may we remind you that the holiday party for Jacob's lab is December 15 and will contain nearly 30 cheerful, sociable people of whom you know only a small handful? Please try not to panic when you arrive at the party, though we understand that it may not be possible to avoid doing so.
We don't feel that these are conditions which cannot be handled by a reasonably well-adjusted person... therefore we'd also like to address your mental health. You'll be noticing an increase in strange and unsettling dreams this week compared to previous weeks. You should expect to wake up disoriented and poorly rested. Further, the headphones which allow you to turn your daily two hours of commuting into a period of solitude and attitude adjustment are scheduled to stop working on December 15. It is our understanding that in the absence of music you will arrive at work each morning feeling frustrated and edgy.
Please keep us apprised as to your status in light of these changes. We are particularly interested in your progress toward your nervous breakdown, and would like your informed opinion as to how you will handle the social commitments you have made for this holiday season.
Sincerely, The Powers That Be
Posted by dianna at December 16, 2005 01:18 PMOoh! Don't forget the upcoming neighbor's holiday party!
Posted by: Jacob at December 16, 2005 03:00 PMi was terrified to go to gene's office party too but had a marvellous time. the trick is to picture the audience in your underwear.
Posted by: didofoot at December 16, 2005 03:25 PMStopitstopitstopit. I was trying to forget the upcoming neighbor's holiday party.
If I were Jacob's labmates I'd be embarrassed to be seen in that frumpy holey underwear. At least they got rid of the day-of-the-week panties, though. Those were really unsuitable for James, the head of the lab.
Posted by: Dianna at December 16, 2005 04:14 PMHow's the new trainee? Pretty on-the-ball? December seems to be your season for conducting on-the-job training.
Posted by: Zach S. at December 16, 2005 04:28 PMexcept for wednesday, the most scientific of days. that panty was ok for a lab boss.
Posted by: didofoot at December 16, 2005 06:21 PMAs I recall, Wednesday's panties had a picture of a walrus on them. The walrus was blue. Scientific evidence does not support blue walrii.
The new trainee is fine. She's picking things up very well and asking good questions. But the act of training her is going to kill me before next Thursday. My boss today asked me if I could just get this one thing done before I left, since I hadn't done it the last couple of days. It's a reasonable request, except that this is something which normally takes two or three hours of work and it was 4:30 when she brought it up. I wound up leaving at 6 -- after even the owner had gone home -- and still hadn't finished checking for errors.
This is all not the trainee's fault. She's smart, thorough, and polite about everything from the complicated randomness of the tasks she's learning to the exhausted irritation into which I lapse at the end of the day. I just needed to bitch about the above, and asking about the trainee gave me a decent excuse.
Posted by: Dianna at December 16, 2005 07:23 PMIf you consider economics to be a science, a Walras could be considered scientific. I imagine a Walras would even get blue if he held his breath long enough.
Posted by: Zach S. at December 16, 2005 07:48 PMThanks for signing in, . Now you can comment. (sign out)
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